Current Annoyance: Sunless Tanners

After watching Dancing with the Stars this season, and participating in the spring show at Spotlight, I've been reintroduced the glorious world of sunless tanners. Sunless tanners are fantastic for people, like myself, who burn to a lobster-red crisp every time they go outside. Yet, feel uncomfortably pale during the summer months. Since fake-n-baking is just as bad as walking around in your backyard naked, the spray tan booths and tan-in-a-bottle products are godsends. Relatively foolproof. You get sprayed and you end up with this tropic tan in a matter of hours.

Except there are people like me who can NEVER figure this stuff out.

I bought a brand of tanner that was recommended to me during the show. The bottle said "no streaks" because it's essentially an airbrush (read: spray paint) can that lightly mists the tanner evenly with no rubbing in... no extra layers... nothing. Fine. Easy right?

Wrong.

I had white splotches on my arms and legs because the "all over airbrush tanner" apparently missed a few spots on my first try. So, naturally, I try to spot spray the slightly lighter spots and fail to add more tanner to the developing pale orange shade. The following morning, I have stripes. Yes, folks, I have orange freakin' stripes on my arms.

Hello! Oompa Loompa Zebra! Gah!

Y'know, give me some more rhinestone or glitter or something. I'll fall into that ballroom trend, no problem. Feathers and fringe. Sure! Spray tanning. Ugh! No, thank you. Not only do I fail at this completely, but I smell like a combo of fermented beer and coconuts. Yuck!